I've probably had this account for about a month and, until now, I haven't had a reason to use the journal on here. But then I decided to get all profound and emotional and whatnot, and I needed a vent. So have fun listening to my rant on how confusing religion is!
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You know how the brain can never think about more than one thing at a time? I more than anything wish to be able to look directly into a person's brain, while they're thinking (ie. alive), on a microscopic level to see whether or not the rest of their thoughts have physical, residual evidence at all times as the science books say they do. I want to see for myself if we live the way we think we do, or if moments pass by frame by frame. If all memories are just illusions. Though I still don't think I'd be able to trust my eyes.

Being agnostic sucks. In retrospect, my greatest wish is surety. Can you give me that god? Can you prove to me that you exist? Use your cosmic omnipotence to relieve me of doubt and satisfy my conscience with perfect faith? Because I can't even begin to simulate this on my own. I envy those who genuinely follow conventional religion, because they don't come up with these burning questions -challenge reality. They're already sure. Content in their dulcet naivety. Sadly, science is too.. logical, for me to sincerely believe in a religion. I guess the only thing to do is live with the schizophrenia that comes with my agnosticism.

To be completely unsure; to run barefoot in a dark gymnasium that may or may not be full of venomous snakes. But once you are dead, do you care? If there is no soul, do we simply ..stop? And if there is a heaven, would it be relief? A sad end to the story, but it's what I'm faced with. Maybe my religious attitude should be apathy.

However apathy in my opinion, is entirely inappropriate in a social setting, when interacting with others. I find these relations enjoyable. Probably due to common human instinct. We humans are especially social beings, which i suspect, is somehow derived from the urge, present in all the animal and plant kingdom, to reproduce(ie. sexy time). BUT THAT ASIDE, I am by no means condoning the devaluation of life itself. That's why I try to keep all my deranged religious pondering away from personal life. After all, a person can only fully concentrate on one thing at a time right?


p.s. I'm guessing, the only reason that I don't go on killing spree's, is because it would be more trouble than it's worth. what would I gain from it? I'd probably lose what emotional ties I have left (which is surprisingly a lot). I'd say passivised is the way to go.